Day 64: Crying into my cauliflower

Positive thinking is an essential ingredient of this diet. Positive thinking, willpower, psychological commitment, faith in your ability… basically, superhuman mental strength. But even the superhuman need a break now and then, and on this diet, your mental tenacity is bound to take a hit from time to time.

Tonight was my night. I’d been in the kitchen for hours, making my food for the week, as well as my next batch of yogurt. I was irritable and on top of it all, I still had to make our roast for dinner after I’d finished cooking everything else. Without thinking, I grabbed a glass bowl that had just been in the microwave, and it was so hot that I dropped it and it smashed everywhere.

There was glass in K’s food and there was glass in my big batch of freshly-cooked cauliflower. It was all over the counter, the floor and between my fingers. So I hurled the food into the bin and I had a GOOD sob. Let me tell you, a GREAT one. It put the Oprah ugly cry to shame.

Tonight's selfie

Today’s selfie

K of course ran to my aid and tried to help, but I just wailed at her about how I can’t stop breaking things and I’m always the one making mistakes in this relationship and I’m always screwing up and I’m so over cooking and I’m so tired of all the prep and IJUSTCAN’TANYMORE. The more she tried to reassure me with kind words and make me feel better with hugs, the more I insisted I was a failure. She laughed a little as I decorated her T-shirt with tears and snot, because it really was so ludicrous. But that only made me more indignant and hate the cauliflower and the microwave and the diet AND THE WORLD even more.

Anyway, I sobbed and snotted my way through the clean-up after chasing K out of the kitchen when she tried to help, and an hour later, new food had been cooked and we were enjoying our Sunday roast. That was a couple of hours ago and I feel fine now, my little tantrum a distant memory. I did, admittedly, feel like a crazy person when it happened – and even now as I feel so calm!

How I felt today

How I felt today

This is not a frequent occurrence for me. Of the 64 days on this diet, I can count on one hand the number of days my resolve has wobbled – with fingers to spare. I’ve felt committed, positive, strong and, more importantly, stronger the the sum of this diet’s parts. Which obviously is the only way to do this diet successfully.

But every now and then, things do feel overwhelming. It can be extremely frustrating to spend hours in the kitchen, just to eat the same food day in and day out, and to feel like your life revolves around what you’re putting into your mouth. It’s frustrating to have to plan your days and your life around what you can and – more to the point – can’t eat.

It’s also extremely frustrating to not be able to satisfy your cravings with a piece of cake or a slab of chocolate. Plus, you’re constantly planning ahead so that you don’t end up stranded without food. There’s no quick ‘running into the shop’ to grab a snack when you’re hungry – and gosh, if you have a family, this must be a million times harder, whether or not they’re doing the diet too. In fact, I really can’t complain because I have it pretty easy.

Anyway, the point that I’m trying to make is that even when you put your mind to it and think positively, there will be days that suck and there will be some or other insignificant mishap that pushes you over the edge and makes you feel like a raving loon.

Food has such a major impact on our mental state, that this kind of reaction from time to time is an inevitability. Go easy on yourself. Recognise that it’s a symptom of an intensive healing process, and move past it. Don’t let it become the norm, but realise that it’s all part of it. Perhaps just warn your family and significant others that this might happen… 😉

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Day 33: Symptoms

Today was not a particularly great day.

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The nurse came to see me and take blood and urine samples for my dread disease cover. That put me in a bit of an anxious mood because I HATE finger pricks. Ugh!

Then the shit hit the fan with a client at work. I made an error in a piece of copy I’d written, and because we’d been short on time, it hadn’t been subbed by our sub-editor prior to publishing, so the mistake wasn’t picked up. The client was FURIOUS (I’d written ‘top pics’ instead of ‘top picks’ – stupid, careless error, but an error nonetheless, and one that was remedied in seconds – the beauty of online!). I felt they completely over-reacted and was supremely pissed off.

Selfie of me at work today

Selfie of me at work today

By midday, I was annoyed, stressed, angry and generally miserable – and bloated! Plus, just to hammer in the final nail, I wrote a piece today about a bad relationship I was in years ago, and which I wholeheartedly believe was a major contributing factor to my UC. That put me in quite a funk. I plan to publish it on an online news site, and I’ll share it here too.

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My big fat BM mistake

I woke up this morning and had a good BM, but I didn’t feel ’empty’. I ignored the feeling because I was in a rush to get to work. NEVER DO THAT. I’ve read that not going when you need to can lead to constipation, as water starts to be absorbed by the colon and the stool gets harder. By the time I eventually took a moment to go to the loo at work, it was too late. Constipation had set in, along with its BFF, Bloat.

The bloating never actually abated today, so I held off on introducing tomatoes. No point in trying something new if you’re not feeling 100%(ish) percent, because how will you know if the new food is agreeing with you or not? Once again today, I understood how people retreat to their SCD safe zones and eat three foods for months on end. Supper was chicken and squashy veg, which I chewed on morosely while K enjoyed the (reportedly) delicious Thai chicken and coconut soup I made for her.

I also craved sugar today, and felt almost physically ill when I looked at yet another bunch of bananas in my cupboard.

Peaks and valleys, I guess. Peaks and valleys.

I know tomorrow will be better. While there are highs and lows, the general trend is an upward one, so I’m not concerned. Everyone keeps telling me how amazed they are, and how proud they are of my progress, and it really spurs me on.

Also, my nut milk bag is in the mail. SO EXCITED!

Nut milk bag

Nut milk bag

Why the bloat?

The bloating was probably caused by the constipation, but it might also be a result of all the new drinks I’ve been testing. This week I admittedly introduced a number of new things, not least of which were wine and coffee, so maybe my gut is giving me a ‘woah there, lady’ while it composes itself. I also suspect that the garlic made me gassy – though I was eating much more of it that one usually would, in order to test it (I’m talking 8 or 10 cloves at dinner). It didn’t bloat me though.

I’m SO HAPPY that tomorrow is Friday. We have a busy weekend planned, complete with a picnic followed by an open-air theatre performance of Richard III. I can’t wait! I’ll be packing eggs, bananas and wine! What are you planning for the weekend?

My favourite, of course, being 'food'

After ‘food’, of course